Dating Democrats

by Aaron Freeman

I’m dating Carol Mosley Braun again. Not dating as in buying dinner and listening to stories of her vacation. Dating as in watching her on TV and wondering whether she’s the one for me. Do I want to spend another few years my news-watching life with her? Whomever we elect president we practically marry for four years. I spent months watching images of Ronald Reagan’s colon.
I’ve spent the last three years mourning Bill Clinton. That was a great relationship, full of good times, bawdy jokes, lots of money. When Clinton was around the villain we worried about was Newt Gingrich. I just couldn’t get excited about Gore, though in retrospect I should have sold my house and sent the money to the Florida democrats.
I’ve dated Carol Mosley Braun before. I remember when she first seduced me. 1994 The year of the woman. I wanted vengeance for Anita Hill. Carol had a killer smile, a twinkle in her eyes. Reporters mentioned how “articulate” she was, which is media speak for Negroes who on the phone might pass for white.

But during her one term in the senate Carol broke my heart. I looked up one day and she’s in Nigeria. No explanation and a bad attitude every time the subject came up. And of course it boiled down to another man, her “fiancé,” Kosie Mathews. I don’t know the whole story. I just swore I was finished with her.

But on TV recently her smile still sparkles. She jokes and charms reporters. I remember why I fell for her in the first place

But Carol is not alone in my affections. Before her reemergence I flirted with former Vermont governor Howard Dean and I still do. He’s adorable in a goofy, wonkish kind of way. He doesn’t want to occupy Iraq and I like that in a candidate. I like Dennis Kucinich’s politics but his hair, come on, if it’s real he needs a redo of it’s not he’s owed a refund.

John Edwards, John Kerry and Dick Gephardt want to occupy Iraq: as long as it’s easy and fast and no one gets hurt. That appeals to me because I also want to simultaneously eat buckets chocolate brownies and lose weight.

Joe Lieberman is cool and my grandmother would love that he’s Jewish. But he wants to censor all the best music, so what are we going to dance at his inaugural?

Al Sharpton is really cute and was practically raised by James Brown. Can you imagine an inauguration party hosted by the Godfather of soul? (Singing as JB) “Papa’s got a brand new cabinet!” But Sharpton is what Blanch Dubois said of Stanley Kowalski in “A Streetcar Named Desire:” (as Blanche) ‘...a man to go out with once, twice, three times if you’ve the devil in you. But to marry and bring home to your family, never!’

What do I really want? Same as everybody; I want someone who’ll be good to me; who won’t hurt me or insult my intelligence. I want someone funny and honest. Someone good with money would be nice. I want someone who won’t embarrass me or my country before the rest of the world. I want someone who’ll treat me and my nation as if they love us. I guess I want what my ten year old said when asked what she looked for in a boyfriend. She said, “I want everything and then I want more.”

© 2002 Aaron Freeman