National Donkey Defense

by Aaron Freeman

We have eyewitness reports of Usama Bin Laden riding a donkey. It can only mean that the next terrorist threat will have long ears. It is imperative that we quickly deploy an effective national donkey defense.

Donkey mounted fundamentalists carrying nuclear weapons could leave our cities not only devastated, but smelly. We must develop the highest and most expensive technology to counter the possible use of donkeys of death by radicals or rouge states. It will not be cheap but the threat is urgent. To spend less would mean that the terrorists have won.

Our biggest donkey threat is internal. Millions of potentially lethal donkeys graze innocently in fields and pastures across the nation. Worse, the Federal Reserve Bank of terror is Saudi Arabia. Our country may have for decades been infiltrated by Arabian donkeys. Homeland defense chief Tom Ridge must have billions of dollars worth of technology to locate them all, particularly any Saudi Arabian donkeys and their collaborators. I am now suspicious of anyone in cowboy boots.

We know that potential donkeys of mass destruction are being raised in such hostile states as Iraq, Iran and Idaho.

We must deploy donkey-identifying radar attuned to four-legged DNA. We’ll need to blast herds terrorist donkey riders before they can accomplish their evil. Space based anti-donkey laser weapons are the only logical answer.

A donkey belly is big enough to hide explosive of frightening size. Our country will not be safe without donkey-sized x-ray machines to screen the stomachs of all donkeys crossing our borders. There is no proof that mad feed scientists have not concocted nitroglycerine-enriched hay. They might be feeding it to patriotic but really stupid donkeys right now. Thus the mission will require a new generation of donkey flatulence monitoring satellites. We’ll need a constellation of them spanning the heavens. It will be mind numbingly difficult but we’ll spend insane amounts of money over stupidly long periods of time, so it will be good. To not fund this program is exactly what the evildoers want.

We cannot be too careful about secret messages transmitted by donkey-terrorists, so sadly Juan Valdez is out. John Ashcroft make it so. And we need Dr. Dolittle now.

Yes it will be fantastically expensive and no it will probably not work but as the president would say if someone wrote it for him, “We can not be deterred by mere reason.” If we fail to spend the money the terrorists will have won.

A missile shield, one hundred billion dollars, a donkey defense 200 billion. Protection against all possible threats no matter how loony, priceless.

© 2001 Aaron Freeman