Squeezing the Terrorist

by Aaron Freeman

What do September 11 and the anthrax attacks have in common… with the 2000 Presidential election and the crime of the previous century?

Florida.

No, the Bush election and the hijackings and anthrax are not part of a plot to punish the government for returning Elian Gonzalez to Cuba.

The hijackers were recruited to train in Florida so their leader could keep an eye on them.

The attacks on the 11th were obviously orchestrated by someone with a huge gripe against the country and who understands the nation’s air transport system.

Who would have a beef with the US and possess proven homicidal tendencies? Who would know airports really well from spending weeks and months running through them and who lives in Florida right now?

OJ Simpson.

First, the 2000 election. OJ’s way with women is legend. He seduced Florida attorney general Kathryn Harris to steal the election for Bush. OJ engineered Gore’s loss as revenge on feminists and liberals he blames for his troubles. He faults the women’s movement for Nicole’s leaving him. He has not said so in so many words but when I checked my theory with no less than one of Miss Cleo’s psychics, she offered me a job.

He has planned these attacks since the night of his first killing. That’s when he began assembling his team. Kato the house guest has been a key lieutenant, I’m sure of it. OJ has used the media to communicate with his network. He created a coded message to his followers, the Mujihajuice to lay low until his signal. He fed the line to his lawyer. “If it doesn't fit you must acquit” Said Johnny Cochrane.

Is it coincidence that OJ is accused of “Road Rage” and then and only then are the attacks launched? Is it serendipity that anthrax first struck the offices of the National Enquirer, a paper that was merciless in its treatment of OJ?

Tom Daschel, the US senator who received the most potent anthrax dose, is from North Dakota where Simpson’s wife, Nicole was born! OK, I made that part up but were it true it would be devastating.
Mullah Omar, Mullah OJ. OJ Simpson, OB Laden! The truth is before our eyes!

There’s only one thing to do. Blockade Florida until Jeb Bush turns over Simpson. Mine the harbors of Miami. Send Ashcroft to lock up everybody in the state who plays golf. Bomb Disney on general principle.

But we won’t do it. The nation dens’t have the guts.

OJ will get away with it again.

 

© 2001 Aaron Freeman